[Narrator] There are gajillions ofstories...
ofmischiefand fun,
but to keep things simple,
Iet's start withjust one...
about a mom and two kids...
and a house and a hat...
that, oddly enough,
was worn by a cat.
But soon enough we will get to all that.
In the valley that stretches from this hill to that hill,
a city is nestled--
that city is Anville.
- [ Kid ] H urry up! We'l I m iss the movie! - Any more tutti-frutti?
I 'll check. Thanks!
[ Narrator Continues ] It's a town that's not huge, but quite big enough...
forbuyers andsellers to sell and buystuff,
from shoes and shirts...
and elongated ladders...
to sailboats and gibble-grated berry-juice bladders.
[ Horn Honks ]
So our story begins at the corner ofMain and Montroob...
in the spotless real estate office...
run by Hank Humberfloob.
[ Woman ] Humberfloob Real Estate. How can we make your dreams come true?
[ People Chattering ]
What do you mean, you're leavi ng?
You're a babysitter. Babysitters don't leave. They sit.
Baby-leavers leave. I'm sorry. I really gotta go, Miss Walden.
Well, I need to come home right away.
All right. Thankyou, Amy. Sorry.
[Sighs ]
Attention, everyone! It's 9:02.
Staff meeting! Staff meeting!
[ All Gasping, Murmuring ] Look alive, everyone!
First I'd like to welcome aboard...
our newest member ofthe Humberfloob family,
Jim McFlinnagan!
- Mr. Humberfloob, I wanted to thankyou-- - [ All Gasping ]
Fired. I beg your pardon?
Fired. B-But I--
Fired!
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 1 0!
As you know, tonight is our bimonthly "meet and greet" party.
Tonight's host is... Joan Walden.
This is where people can meet our real estate agents...
in an informal, yet hygienic setting.
Mr. Humberfloob, I have to get home to my kids.
Ah, yes.
Your children.
Joan, let me make this perfectly clear.
Ifyour house is as messy as last time,
you're fired!
[Employees Gasping, Murmuring]
That's pretty clear, Mr. Humberfloob.
Don't worry. I promise.
My kids'll be on their best behavior.
Great.
[Phone Rings ] [ Woman ] Humberfloob Real Estate.
How can we make your dreams come true? Please hold.
[ Narrator] Ifyou leave Humberfloob's and turn left onto Main,
three miles down you'll find Lipplapper Lane,
a pleasant-enough street in a pleasant-enough way...
where a neighbor greeted neighbor with a neighborly "Hey!"
Hey! Hey!
Here the hedges were hedged, the weeds were all weeded,
and lawns were mowed daily,
twice daily ifneeded.
And at the end ofthis street,
in a house like any other,
something magical would happen...
to a sister and her brother.
[ Barki ng ]
[ Barks ] Shh! Nevi ns! Stealth mode.
T oday's to-do list.
Number one: make to-do list.
Number two: practice coloring.
Number three: research graduate schools.
Number four: be spontaneous.
Number five: create lasting childhood memories.
Andnumbersix; amend will.
What is he doing?
[ Sighs ]
[ Whines ]
[ Beeps ]
Number 1 0: make tomorrow's to-do list.
Ladies and gentlemen! [Nevins Barking]
Nevins, your attention, please.
You are about to witness the third most spectacular stunt...
ever performed under this roof!.
Do you know how hard it's getting to tell people that we're related?
Relax. I'll put everything back.
[ Whining ]
And now, for the indoor stair luge!
Indoor stair luge?
I'll have to add this one to my list.
Go have no fun somewhere else.
It... is... showtime!
- [ Whimpers ] - [ Grunts ]
Whoa!
[Yelling]
- Aah! - Yeah!
[ Groans ]
-[Woman ] Oh, myword! - [ Nevins Barking ]
Nevins!
Nevins, come back!
Hey, Mom. What's up?
You are so lucky you didn't ruin this dress.
Mom, I know you're angry,
but there's something you need to know.
This was all Sally's fault. Oh, really?
And how, exactly, was it Sally's fault?
Give me a minute. I'm workin' on it.
Save it, Conrad.
Why today? Why did you have to pick today to destroy the house?
You know what's happening today.
I tried to tell him, Mom.
"Mom's throwing a very important party," I said.
"All ofher important clients will be here."
But he went right ahead and wrecked the house and let Nevins get away.
Now, again, I hope you're going to ground him.
Yes, Sally, for a week, but that's none ofyour business.
A week? Come on. Two days.
I asked you to do one thing today, Conrad--
keep the house clean.
Do you know how frustrating it is that you're always doing the exact opposite ofwhat I say?
Knock, knock, knock.
[ Growling ] Someone lose a dog?
I found him next door...
in myyard... again.
You are a saint.
And here I thought you were only dating me for my good looks.
Lucky us. Larry Quinn is here.
Hey-a, sport. Call me Lawrence. Okay?
You rescued Nevins! Thanks, Lawrence!
It was my pleasure, Sally. Anything for my little princess.
Oh, I don't wanna be a princess.
In a constitutional monarchy parliament has all the real power.
I see. Okay, that's great.
Uh, look, pal, be a sport.
Why don'tyou go tidy up the living room. Okay...dude?
I don't have to listen to you, Larry.
Conrad, do what Lawrence says.
Have you given some thought about the Wilhelm Academy?
You mean the Colonel Wilhelm Military Academy forTroubled Youth?
That's the one,Joan.
I'm not sure it's right for Conrad.
Oh,Joan,Joan.
Joan,Joan,Joan.
I have so much respect foryou,Joan.
Single mother, careerwoman, raising two children on your own,
and still finding time to be the best darned real estate agent in town.
I know how hard it is,Joan.
It is hard. Oh... I know.
And I know howhardyou're trying.
This is a once-in-a-lifetime proposition, and you must act now.
The Colonel Wilhelm Military Academy forTroubled Youth...
is what we call in the sales game a win-win scenario.
A top-flight military school, and it's only... eight hours away.
[Phone Rings ] Oh, the phone.
[Phone Rings ]
I heard whatyou said.
I'm not going to military school, Larry.
Look, buddy,
I know I'm not your dad...
and this is probably really strange foryou--
your neighbor's dating your mom.
But here's the thing, son. Come here.
I don't likeyou either.
But I'm gonna marryyour mom.
And ifit was up to me, you'd be at military school today.
I'm not going to military school. Ohh!
I thinkyou're gonna love it.
It's just like summer camp,
exceptwith brutal forced marches...
and soul-crushing discipline.
And one more thing-- It's Lawrence, you snot-nosed son of a...
wonderful woman who I'm absolutely crazy about! [ Grunting ] Oww!
Gosh, I love children!
Oh,Joan, I didn't seeyou there.
Would you be a doll and help me bring up chairs from the basement?
Nothing would give me more pleasure,Joan, but I do have to run.
I have a very important sales conference downtown.
Oh. Okay.
- Well, I'll seeyou at the party tonight. - Sure.
Mom, that guy's a total phony. You can't let Larry--
It's Lawrence, Conrad. [Doorbell Rings ]
Kate's Catering. I'm here to do your party tonight.
Oh, hi. Where's Kate?
I'm Kate. Oh. Okay.
Right this way, Kate.
Mom, you've gotta listen to me-- [Phone Ringing]
Quiet! Two weeks ago you said you would--
[Joan Screams ] I "specialed" it. See?
Quiet! Nevins!
[ Ringing Continues ] I said quiet!
[ Ringing ]
Joan Walden Real Estate. Be it ever so humble, there's no place likeJoan.
This is Mr. Humberfloob.
- Oh, hi, Mr. Humberfloob. -Joan, I need you to come back to the office.
- Today? - Yes,joan.
- No problem? - No problem at all.
Great!
- [ Gasps ] - What's going on, Mommy?
Mommy has to go back to the office.
Oh! I hope Mrs. Kwan can babysit.
- Not Mrs. Kwan! -[Doorbell Rings ]
Oh! Hi, Mrs. Kwan.
Hi. I'm running late.
Thanks for babysitting on such short notice. Mmm, yeah.
Okay, Mrs. Kwan.
Oh-oh-oh!
I'll be back in a couple ofhours. Hi.
Conrad's grounded, so no video games.
Sally? Last chance.
Ifyou wanna make cupcakes, I can take you to your friend Ginny's house.
- [ Growling ] -Ginny's not myfriend anymore.
Last time we made cupcakes she wanted to be the head chef.
I'm the head chef.
What about Denise, then?
She talked back to me, so I ordered her not to speak to me anymore.
- And you don't like bossy? - I won't tolerate it.
Right.
Well, ifyou're both staying, remember the rules.
Conrad: No playing ball in the house, no fighting,
no answering the phone, "City morgue."
Mommy, can't I have some rules?
No chewing tobacco.
Thanks, Mom. You have myword.
And absolutely no one sets foot in the living room, or else.
Or else what? You're gonna do what Larrysaid andsend me to militaryschool?
Maybe ifyou'd just behave, I wouldn't have to consider military school.
I wish I could trust you.
I wish I had a different mom.
Well, sometimes I wish the same thing.
[DoorOpens ]
[DoorSlams ]
Mmm.
Good luckwith your meeting.
[CarDoorCloses ]
[ Grunting ]
Children, wouldyou like to watch television with me?
- We don't have to tell your mother. -[ Tv; Channel Changing]
- [ Speaking Chinese ] - [ Yelling ]
[ Together ] Taiwanese parliament. [Tv; Yelling, Blows Landing]
You tell them, Kwi-Chang! No more big government! [Tv; Karate Yells ]
Rip his heart out!
[Tv; Blows Landing, Yelling Continue ]
[ Snoring ]
[ Whimpers ]
Hit me! [ Sighs ]
[Narrator] So theyslumped in their chairs,
too glum to complain,
and to make matters worse, it started to rain.
[ Butterfly Yelps ]
Theysat in the house...
on that cold, cold, wet day...
with no fun to have...
and no games to play.
They couldjust stare out the window...
orperhaps get a nap in,
and hope that something,
anythi ng might happen.
Quit botheri ng the fish.
I know. Quit bothering the fish.
Spit hand! Oh, gross!
Get that away from me! Get it away!
[Loud Bump ] [Narrator] Then something went bump.
- What was that? - [ Barks ]
How that bump made themjump. [Nevins Continues Barking]
[ Loud Bumping Continues ] I thi nk it came from the closet.
[ Loud Crash ]
[ Grunts ]
Conrad?
Conrad.
Come on, Conrad.
[ Screams ]
[ Laughing ]
You shouldn't scare people.
You should've seen the look on your face. It was likeyou saw a monster--
A monster? Where?
That could've gone better. [ Wheezing Laugh ]
[ Both Screaming ]
[Sally] What was that? [ Conrad] I don't know.
Looked like a humongous cat.
"Humongous"?
I prefer the term "big-boned" or "jolly." Now, what are we hiding from?
[ Chortling ]
[ Both Screaming ]
Thatwas a giant cat.
But that's impossible, isn't it?
It's entirely impossible.
You know, I like this hiding place a lot better.
They'll never find us here.
Scream and run.
[ Both Screaming ] And there they go.
Who areyou?
Who? Me?
Why, I'm the Cat in the Hat. There's no doubt about that.
I'm a "super-fun-diferous" feline...
who's here to make sure that you're--
Meeline? Key lime?
Turpentine?
I got nothin'.
I'm not so good with the rhyming. Not really, no.
Look, I'm a cat that can talk.
That should be enough foryou people! [ Muttering ]
I can talk! I'm a cat! Yes! [ Chortling]
Where did you come from?
Hmm, how do I put this?
When a mommy cat and a daddy cat love each othervery much,
they decide that--
Oh, no, no, no, no. Where did you come from?
My place! Where doyou think? [ Snickering ]
No, how did you get here?
I drove!
Look, I've been here two whole minutes, and no one has offered me a drink.
Harumph!
- Sorry, Mr. Cat. Would you like some milk? - Milk? Ecch! No!
Lactose intolerant. Gums up the works. Oy.
You'll thank me later.
[ Wheezing, Chortling ]
-[SingerLaughing] Wipeout! - Hello!
# [SurfRock] Surfs up! [ Chuckles ] Yeah!
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yee-hee-hee!
Nice spread you got here.
Homina-homina-homina-homina!
Who is this?
Ohh!
That's my mom.
Awkward, yeah.
Yes, this place will do quite nicely, actually. Yeah.
Although those drapes are a train wreck.
[ Chortling ]
[Snoring] And this is the lumpiest couch I ever sat on.
Who is this dreadfully uncomfortable woman?
Get offher. That's ourbabysitter.
What the-- Babysitter?
You don't need one of those, do ya?
Let me get this straight.
You pay this woman...
to sit on babies?
That's disgusting!
I'd do it for nothing! [ Laughing Loudly]
Hmm!
Now, let's see what the old "phunometer" has to say.
- "Phunometer"? - Yeah. It measures how fun you are.
[ Chortling ]
Hi.
[ Bell Dings ] Huh?
Ohh.
Ah. Control freak. Yeah.
Now you.
[ Whispers ] Hi. How areya?
- [ Bell Dings ] - Whoa!
[ Whimpering ]
Oh.
Tap it.
Listen, kid, you can tap it with a hammer,
it ain't gonna change.
Just as I suspected.
You guys are both out ofwhack. You're a control freak, and you're a rule-breaker.
That'll be $700. Who's your insurance carrier?
- So, what do we do? - Well, there are two treatments I'd recommend.
One is a series of painful shots injected intoyour abdomen and kneecap.
And the other...
involves a musical number!
# [ Orchestra; Fanfare ] # Me-Me-Me-Meow #
How many shots?
[ Wheezing ] "How many shots?" Aren't you precious?
[ Gasps ]
Maestro! # [ Orchestra; Introduction ]
# I know it is wet #
# And the sun is not sunny # [Thunderclap ]
# But we can have lots of good fun that is funny #
[ Both Groan ]
# It's fun to have fun #
# But you got to know how #
[ Gagging ]
- [ Vomits, Liquid Splatters ] - [ Both Gasp, Groan ]
Hair ball.
# I know lots of good tricks and I'll-- #
Stop this right now! Huh?
- Who said that? - Me!
Remember? The fish?
Came home in a Baggie, loved me for two weeks, and then nothing!
- The fish is talking! - Well, sure, he can talk.
But is he saying anything? No, not really. No.
[Fish ] Hey, Socks, can it!
This cat should not be here. He should not be about.
He should not be here when your mother is out.
Come on, kids! You gonna listen to him? He drinks where he pees!
#[Salsa ]
#There was this cat I knew back home where I was bred #
# He never listened to a single thing his mother said #
# He neverusedthe litterbox He made a mess in the hall#
#That's why they sent him to a vet #
#To cut offboth his ba-- #
ba-- ba--
# Boy, that wasn't fun, fun, fun #
# He never learns You can have fun, fun, fun # But less is more!
#They may shipyou offto school so rein it in a little #
#We can't spell "fun" without "U" in the middle #
Human, this cat is currentlyin violation of... 17 ofyourmother's rules!
[ Rings ] City morgue!
- Eighteen! - [ Laughing ]
[ Crowd Cheering, Applauding]
- Ol'e! -[ Bull Growling]
Ooh!
[ Screaming ]
# You can juggle work and play but you have to know the way #
# You can keep afloat a wish like the way I do this fish #
# You can be a happyfella Someone throw me that umbrella #
# And that rake, that cake Life's what you make it #
# So have fun, fun, fun #
# Go insane and have some fun, fun, fun #
#J ust look at me Fun, fun, fun #
# No more rain Look, it's the sun, sun, sun #
# So can'tyou see I'm as happy as a clam I'm as fit as a fiddle #
#Yeah, the dogs may bark aboutyou #
# And the purebred chaps may doubtyou #
[Fish ] Gettingmotionsickness!
Milk? Big mistake.
# But remember this You can't have fun without "U" #
I can't breathe! Ohh!
Whoa!
I knew that milkwould come back to haunt me. Help! Help!
- [ Loud Burp ] - [ Groaning ]
[ Yelling ]
[ Grunting ]
# "U" in the middle ##
[ Gulps ]
[ Panting, Chuckling ]
- Bravo, Cat. - Huh?
These children are smart enough not to fall foryour MTV-style flash...
at the expense of content and moral values.
That was wicked cool! Do it again!
I'd love to, but Shamu is right-- I really should be going.
- No, don't go! - No, I should go.
I should letyou and the fish have all yourfun conjugating verbs,
cleaning your room, doing long division.
No, you have to stay!
All right, I'll stay. Oh, yeah! [Conrad] Yeah!
But ifI'm gonna stay, there's something I wanna showyou.
Something magical...
and full ofwonder.
- It's called a contract. - You want us to sign this?
-Just a formality, really. Yeah. - Who are they?
Magical time-traveling elves.
[ Chortling ] Yeah. Magic.
Okay, they're my lawyers.
Liability issues, litigious society, frivolous lawsuits.
You understand.
Basically, this contract guarantees you can have all the fun you want...
and nothing bad's ever gonna happen.
- All the fun we want? - Uh-yeah!
- Nothing bad will happen? - Uh-no!
Come on, Sal, for once in your life try something spontaneous.
It goes against my better instincts, but...
fine.
Beautiful. Initial here.
And here. And here.
Not here!
[ Wheezes ]
Turn it over.
This is nothing.
[ Clears Throat ] Scratch this.
Smell that! Terrific.
Yadee-yadee-yadee.
Sign the bottom. [Pencil Scratching On Paper]
You're it! Okay, gimme five!
Four.
[ Chortling ]
Let's get this party started! Uh-huh!
Hey, check out this room! [ Laughing ]
What now?
Mom says we're not allowed in the living room today, or else.
She's worried we'll mess up the couches byjumpin'on 'em orsomethin'.
And she's right. You can't jump on these.
Not like this. They need some adjustment. Yee-haw!
[ Chuckling ]
Let's take a look under the hood.
[ Spits ] Yeah. [ Chuckles ]
Just doin' myjob. [ Fart ]
Sorry. What have we got here?
Whew.
Here we go. [ Chortles ]
It's oversized. That's unusual.
Here it is. [ Grunts ]
[ Elephant Trumpets ]
Down, Simba! Down, Simba! Get outta here!
Spray me, would ya? You--
[ Whimpering ] [ Trumpeting Continues ]
[ Choking ]
[Blows Landing] [Elephant Whimpering]
[ Panting ]
-[Elephant Trumpets ] - Thanks for the help.
Back in a second. Who's your couch mechanic?
You oughta call Mr. Catwrench.
[ Grinding, Rumbling] Oww! My fur! My fur! My fur!
[ Groaning, Shouting ]
That oughta do it. Whoo!
[ Chortling ]
[ Laughing ]
Come on, kids. I could use a little company.
What about Mom's party?
What about it? We signed the contract.
Wha-hoo! [ Laughing ] Yeah!
One cushion left, Sally.
She'll never do it. She doesn't know how to have fun.
Fun?Sally, you're betterthan fun. Fun is beneathyou.
Remember what your mother told you--
No one sets foot in the living room-- [ Conrad Shouting]
You know what? Let's just watch some flashbacks.
[ Voice Slowed Down ] Absolutely no one sets foot in the living room, or else.
You're fired-- fired-- fired--
fired-- fired-- fired--
[ Takes Deep Breath ] fired-- fired-- fired-- fired--
And that's why-- [ Groans ]
Oww!
This is where theyburied mybrother!
[ Cat Laughing] [ Conrad] Yeah!
[ All Laughing ] Yippee! Oh, yeah!
This is amazing! Like being in the circus!
Yeah, but without those tortured animals...
or drunken clowns that have hepatitis.
See, kids, I told you we could have fun!
[Laughing Continues ] [ Conrad] The best thing is, no one will ever...
know.
J udas Priest! I can't believe what I'm seeing!
Oh, Mr. Quinn, I was just telling Conrad to get off the couch.
Bad, Conrad! Bad!
Sally,
baby, angel, princess,
I'm gonna letyou in on a little secret, okay?
Nobody likes a suck-up!
[ Quinn Laughing ]
Where's the cat? I don't know.
[ Burps ] Ohh!
Good bread.
What areyou two lookin' at?
[ Sneezing ]
Is there a cat in here?
[ Sneezing Continues ]
I'm gonna-- You're gonna--
I have to... [ Sneezes ]
get out ofhere.
[ Sneezes Twice ]
[ Both Laughing ]
See, kids, I told you. Stickwith me, it'll all work out.
[ Sneezes ] Oh, no! Ohh! [ Chortling ]
Little-known fact-- cats always land on their tushy.
- I thought they always landed on their feet. - Oh, sure, now you tell me.
Harumph! [ Chortling ]
- So, kiddo, what do you want to do for fun? - I wanna make cupcakes!
Cupcakes? Oh, yeah! [ Chortling ] To the kitchen!
[Announcer] Live from the kitchen,
the following is a paid commercial announcement for Astounding Products.
Hi! Welcome to Astounding Products.
[ Laughi ng ]
I 'm your host, the guy in the sweater who asks all the obvious questions.
[Studio Audience Laughing]
Now, here to tell us about his astounding product for making cupcakes,
all the way from Cheshire, England, please welcome--
Me! Hello! [ Chuckling ]
Now-- Hello! I'm so excited!
Doyou love making cupcakes,
but hate all the hard cupcake work?
I know I do!
Well, forget everything you know about making cupcakes...
and say hello...
to the amazing Kupkake-inator.
- I'm so excited! - [Audience Chuckling]
Cupcake-a-what?
[ Cat, Audience ] Kupkake-inator!
Oh, this amazing device can instantly make cupcakes...
out of anything that you have in the kitchen.
- Wait a minute. Did you say "anything"? - Anything.
Anything? Yes, anything.
Anything? Anything.
- Anything? - I'll getyou, and it'll look like a bloody accident.
-[Audience Tittering] - Anything.
Now, take offthe lid. You can put in, I don't know, a carton of eggs.
What? How about a pack ofhot dogs?
That's incredible! Why not some ketchup?
Yeah, why not? How about-- I know what you're thinkin'.
Even a fire extinguisher. There we go.
Hmm?
Now, close the lid and Bob's your flippin' uncle!
What an astounding product!
[AudienceApplauding] Oh, yeah!
Open the drawer, [ Bell Dings, MotorWhirring ]
fill the patented Kupkake-inator tray, [Audience Gasping]
- close the drawer, -[Audience Continues Gasping]
then place it in a conventional oven.
[Audience Laughing, Applauding]
Delicious cupcakes are just minutes away.
Did you just say "minutes away"?
[ Host, Audience ] That's impossible!
You're not just wrong, you're stupid. Now, wait just a minute--
And you're ugly, just likeyour mum.
[Audience Gasping] Did you just call my mother ugly?
Shut up! I mean it! I will end you!
- [ Grunts ] - [ Audience, Cat Gasping, Groaning ]
Um, Cat. Your tail.
What about it?
Oh, I see! I've chopped it off. That's interesting, because--
Son of a bi-- [ Beep ]
# [Whistling "The Girl From Ipanema"]
Look, I'm not saying we're going to sue.
I'm just saying we have a case.
We'll talk later. Ixnay, ixnay.
[ Wheezes ] Hi.
Cat, is the oven supposed to be making that sound?
Huh?
Of course. That means they're almost done, Conrack.
- Conrad. - That's what I said, Condor.
- Cat! - Now, that's my name!
[ Oven Whirring, Rumbling]
[TimerBell Dings ] Yep!
They're done!
Oh, man! There's nothing to worry about.
I'm sure they still taste fine.
Yecch! They're horrible!
Who wants some? Come on, come on! [ Chortling ]
Oh... my... cod.
Ohh! Aah!
Cat, you need to clean this mess up pronto.
We have a contract. All right, I'll try.
You don't try. You do.
Yes, ma'am. Right away, ma'am.
[ Coughs ] I'll be right back.
Whoa! [Crash ]
[ Chortling ]
[ Snoring ] Hi. How areya?
Okay. [ Chortling ]
Look. I'm a girl.
[ Giggling, Purring ]
Stop! That's...
[Together] Mom's dress!
[ Gasps ] This filthything?
Shewas gonna wearthat tonight, and you ruined it.
Honey, itwas ruined when she bought it.
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm.
I toldyou all this wouldhappen!
- But no one listens to a fish! - Oy.
A doggoes "woof-woof" and everybodyknows that little Timmy's trapped under a log.
But a fish speaks in plain English--
Al I right, everyone, let's just take a deep breath and calm down.
[ I nhaling, Exhaling ]
You know who's gonna solve it? Me. I am.
I will personally take care of everything.
And I know just the guys to do it.
[ Wheezing ]
[ Chortling ]
In this box are two Things. I will show them to you.
Two Things, and I call them Thing One and Thing Two.
These Things will not bite you. Theywant to have fun.
So without further ado,
meet Thing Two and Thing One!
[ Whooping, Babbling ]
#Ta-da #
Oh, yeah! [ Chortles ]
Thing One, Conrad, Sally. Conrad, Sally, Thing One.
Thing Two, Conrad, Sally. Conrad, Sally, Thing Two.
Thing One, Thing Two. Thing Two, Thing One. Conrad, Sally. Sally, Conrad.
I am the Cat. Don't belittle me.
Ah, yes, of course.
Thing Two would like to clarify that just because he wears the number two...
does not imply in anyway that he's inferior to Thing One.
And all ofthe above.
He says you may feel free to call him Thing "A," ifyou like.
He will also accept SuperThing, Thing King, Kid Dynamite,
Chocolate Thun-Da... or Ben. [ Chuckles ] Ben!
[Thing Onejabbering]
Thing One says he's Thing One for a reason,
and some people should just get used to it.
It's a Thing thing. You wouldn't understand.
[ Things Jabbering, Arguing ] Okay, enough!
You are quicklyturning into one ofmy least favoriteThings.
Listen, Convex, you probably don't wanna do that.
Why not? It's just a crate.
This isn't just any old crate.
It's the Trans-dimensional Transportolator.
It's kinda like a doorway which leads from this world to myworld.
But it says, "Made in the Philippines."
Yes, but not this Philippines.
Look, now, I'm not usuallya rules guy, but this is a biggie.
No opening the crate.
No lookee, no touchee. Got it?
[ Thing] Mekka-dekka we should settle our differences.
[ J abbering ]
[ Cat ] Things, front and center!
Cool.
All right, Things, I 'm not paying you to stand around and look pretty.
Here's Mom's dress.
[ Thing Cackling] Oh! Mommy's dress!
[ Both Jabbering, Giggling ]
- [ Gasp ] - [ Gasp ]
- What about the couch? - Which couch?
The clean one, or the horriblystained one?
- [ Wheezing ] - [Jabbering Continues ]
Ho! [ Chortling ]
Mekka-dekka don't worry!
Incoming!
Cat, they're wrecking the whole house!
[ Snoring ]
[ Groans, Continues Snoring ]
[Jabbering, Giggling Continue ]
- Conrad, help! - Help yourself!.
Look at me! Come and get it!
[ Continues Jabbering ]
[ Grunts ] Whoa! Ooh, yeah! Whoa!
[ Giggles ] That tickles!
[Jabbering ] Geronimo!
[Jabbering, Grunting ]
[ Crab Lock] Mine, mine, mine! Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine!
Ride 'em, cowboy! Yee-hee-hee! Ho-ho-ho! Whee!
[ Snoring ]
[ Continues Snoring ]
Ifthis were my house, I'd be furious.
[ Laughing ]
Hey! Klondike!
Doyou have any idea what happened to the lock on this crate?
- It's on Nevins's collar. - Nevins?
[Sally] Nevins? Nevins!
Put the dog down! I said, put the dog down!
Whywon't they listen to me?
Oh. I don't know ifthis helps, but the Things always do the opposite ofwhatyou say.
Why do they always do the opposite? That's so annoying!
Remind you of anyone, Conrad?
Zinga! [Things Cackling]
Zinga! Zinga!
Blue! 41! Set! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!
Hey, Thing, don't let go ofthat dog!
Let go!
[ Conrad] Catch him-- I mean, don't catch him! [Screams ]
[ Crab Lock Chuckles ] [ Barks ]
Well, this is just great, Conrad.
The whole house is destroyed, the party is ruined, and now Nevins is gone.
Sally, Kojak,
that's nothing compared to what's gonna happen ifwe don't lock this crate.
Take a look. It's already leaking.
[ Grunting ]
- It won't stay shut. - Not without the lock.
Look, ifwe don't get that lock off of Nevins and put it back on this crate,
we're gonna be staring down the business end ofthe mother of all messes.
[ Grunting ] We've gotta go out and find Nevins.
[ Grunts ] Impossible! Sally!
There's onlyfourhours till the party.
The Fish is right. We should call Mom and tell herwhat happened.
Look at this house! There's no waywe could explain this to Mom.
We gotta get Nevins back and lock the crate!
We're staying and calling Mom.
We're going and getting the dog.
[ SinisterVoice] There is a third option.
#[Organ; Dramatic] There is?
Yes. It involves...
murder! ## [ Dramatic Chords ]
- That's your option? - No.
Butyou guys both had options. I just wanted to have one too.
[ Chuckling ] Or did I?
- Cat, you're not helping! - Come on. Let's go get that dog.
Now, wejust need a heavy, inanimate object to weigh down this crate.
[Kids Grunting]
[ Grumbling ]
There. That oughta buy us some time.
Come on, kids! Let's go, go, go! [ Wheezing Laugh ]
[ Grunting, Sighing ]
[Man On Tv] IdenticalsisterMitzy--
[ Sighs ] [Man #2 On Tv] That's right.
[ Grunts ]
- [Knocking] - Yeah!
What do you want now?
Repo.
You're repossessing my TV?
I'm sure I made a payment.
If it's about that bounced check, let me give you a credit card.
That one's expired. Huh? Oh, come on!
[Woman On Tv Grunting]
[Narrator] With the lock on his collar, Nevins kept running,
unaware ofhis part...
in the evil Quinn's cunning. [ Ri ngi ng ]
J oan Walden Real Estate. Be it ever so humble, there's no--
Oh, hi, Joan.
The kids let the dog out again. You're kidding.
Don't worry. I'll go get him, then we'll have a conversation vis-a-vis military school.
I don't know. Conrad's likeyou, Lawrence.
He's very... sensitive. Uh-huh.
[ Sighs ] But I suppose it's something I should consider.
I'll get the dog. I'll be right over. [ Dial Tone Hums ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Groaning ]
-[Barking] - [Conrad] Okay, there's Nevins.
Stay out of sight. [Barks, Growls ]
# [ violin Strings Plucking]
## [ Plucking Continues ]
I thought the moment needed something.
Oh, what will become of us?
Your motherwill lose herjob,
and we'll have to... Iive on the street!
[ Sobbing ] I can't! Don't make me go--
[ Groans ] I don't knowthis world!
It's dry! It's like-- I can't-- It's too-- Fish!
It's too much!
Would you like to go back in the toilet?
On second thought, it's such a beautiful day. Why spend it indoors?
- Thankyou! - [ Gasps ]